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Have a question?
Ask The Meat Baby.
On average, how many more hookers can The Meat Baby handle while high on blow as opposed to just being drunk?
Let’s just say I don’t call my doctor when my erection lasts more than 4 hours.
will I win my case
Doubtful. You don’t really seem like the type of lawyer that wins cases. You seem a little lazy. You couldn’t even be bothered to capitalize or use proper punctuation in your question. What are the chances you checked the flight logs to see if another flight was leaving Andrews 7 hours earlier. Do you even know that positraction is a limited slip differential. And that a limited slip differential sends equal power to both wheels? I can’t imagine you doing whatever Atticus Finch did at the end of his trial that was probably pretty awesome.
So no. Your boy is going to fry.
Why will no one buy my house?
I get this question all the time when I am out and about the town. Having not seen your house, I can’t say for sure, but my best guess is it looks ridiculous. Here are some quick tips on getting your house sold at top dollar.
First of all, you probably have a purple wall somewhere in the house. If it’s not purple it’s red, If it’s not red it’s orange, lime green, hot pink, whatever. I see this all the time. You’re not creative or quirky, you’re a douche. Nobody wants to buy a house with a purple wall. You want these people to picture living in this house. And no adult pictures themselves living in a house with a purple wall. Paint it tan.
Class the joint up. Change out all the sinks to black and the faucets to gold. Like inside Elvis Presley’s airplane.
Next, get rid of the clutter. Everybody thinks it’s awesome that you have so many CDs and DVDs. Oh wow - you must be really smart because you have all these books stacked up. Now get fucking rid of all of it. Do you have kids? Get rid of them too. Nobody wants to see those asshole’s toys when they’re trying to figure out where they’re going to put their papasan.
Clean the fridge off. Your kid sucks at art. LOLCats are not funny. Nobody wants to see that shit.
You’re going to need some art on the walls though. That Mexican yarn picture of a desert at sun set does not count.
Finally, you have to “stage” it, as they say on “Sell this House”. Get rid of all the furniture you have, and bring in some hookers.
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meat baby, what kind of bacon is your diaper made out of? and do you ever soil it? if so, is it edible?
That’s three questions asshole. And one of them is about eating shit. So - I’m not going to answer any of them.
Hey jug head-
Will the Denver Nuggets make a deep run in this years playoffs?
I don’t watch the NBA…but seriously? They named their team after that midget* on Chelsea Lately? No. They are not going anywhere then. They should have at least named themselves after the giant gay guy on that show. That’s a little more ferocious.
*I always forget - which one is offensive “midget” or “little people”?
Why are you made of meat?
Is this a serious question? I’m a fucking meat baby. What should I be made of? I mean, if my name was “Steve” I could see that being a good question:
You: Hey Steve, why are you made of meat?
Steve: Good question. Let me explain…
But my name is “Meat Baby”. That’s like asking an orange why it’s orange. Or Lady Ga Ga why she’s bonkers. The answer is in the name.
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With the recent Supreme Court decision which essentially claims that corporations are human and therefore deserve to be protected by the Bill of Rights Freedom of Speech and be able to donate unlimited amounts of money to political campaigns, it has been mused that perhaps you should incorporate yourself and run for office. Any thoughts? The people are restless for a new type of leader.
Wow - that was long winded and boring. Is this Keith Olberman? Regardless - I accept your nomination. Now send money for my coffers. And send money for coffee too.
Meat Baby - will you buy an Apple iPad even though it lacks a Flux Capacitor?
No thanks. The missing Flux Capacitor is just the tip of the iceberg. No Camera. No GPS. No touch sensitive case. Doesn’t make unicorns. What was Apple thinking?
Do you ever feel all alone?
I’m a fucking Meat Baby. I don’t feel feelings.
Dear Meat Baby,
I see demons at night? What should I do?
I hate to be the one to break this to you…but you are clinically insane.
So put on a bathrobe and go get help.
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Does your face have interchangeable parts, like Mr. Potatohead?
No. And here is the main difference between Potatohead and I:
When you’re child puts googly eyes on him, everybody laughs.
When you’re child replaces my pickle eyes with googly eyes , they get salmonella induced typhoid fever from touching raw meat.
See the difference? One is funny. The other is death.
...with the passing of its author, J.D. Salinger, could you share your assessment of Catcher In The Rye?
JD Salinger wrote a book douche bags thought was great, but was actually crap. Then they all cried for years because he would not write another one. Then James Earl Jones played a character loosely based on him in Field of Dreams that was much more interesting than Salinger’s book. People like to talk about Holden being an unreliable narrator. I like to talk about him being an boring dolt who wouldn’t bang a hooker (or so he says).
Then a bunch of schools banned it, but for all the wrong reasons. They did not like the cussing in it - but they should have been pissed at the waste of time it was. And every teacher that forced someone to read that book should be fired.
Although now that Salinger is dead, maybe we can get Michel Cera to play Holden in the Stanley Kubrick film adaptation of the book. And he could awkwardly punch the hooker in the boob.
Is the glass half empty or is it half full?
Great - more philosophy.
It’s assumed if I answer “half empty” I’m a pessimist. If I answer “half full” I’m an optimist. But the truth is, if I see that glass and say “half full” - I’m actually a pussy for skating around the fact that someone just drank half my beer. Someone should be getting their ass kicked by a Meat Baby here - not dealing with philosophy.
What is the meaning of life?
That’s kind of a deep question for The Meat Baby. I’m not sure I know. But - I’m betting it has something to do with sandwiches and porn.
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